Turn the A in fat to an I and get fit 💪🏻

I have always been the chubby, cute one. I have always looked in the mirror and wanted to look skinnier or make my legs smaller and my boobs bigger. I have always struggled with body dysmorphia but I didn’t know that was a thing until about a year ago. My best friend was commenting on how I looked more muscular and she could see all of my work at the gym and in the kitchen coming together. I replied with “I still have a long way to go.” She just shook her head and stated you have a mental illness called body dysmorhpia.

According to a google search, body dysmorphia is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.

Well that made me pause and reflect on how I have seen myself my entire life. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough. It made me sad and then I remembered a quote that always made me smile. “If you were able to believe in Santa for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 seconds.” Well that seems pretty reasonable. Even for this Jewish girl who never celebrated with Santa.

As far back as I can remember, I struggled with my weight. The scale was and continues to be both motivator and nemesis.

In 2005, I stepped on the scale and saw 167, the highest number I have ever seen stare back at me. In that moment, I was sad, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I let that number rule me. In that same moment, I signed up for weight watchers and started learning about portion control and calories. Not all calories are equal and my body reacts to foods in different ways. I lost 30 pounds in 8 months and kept it off…. until we decided to start a family (more on that in future posts).

Over the past 13 years, my weight has gone down to 137 and back up to 170. I have tried various forms of dieting, intermittent fasting, pills, weight-loss gummies, teas, every mobile app out there to hold myself accountable. You name it, I have probably tried it. Oh and that scale, my husband threw it away. What the HELL was I going to do now.

Let me pause and share that my husband is a smaller build; he weighs 140 pounds, about 10% body fat, has abs and the lines that make the girls (and boys) go stupid. He can eat a whole pizza and a box of donuts and then go for a run and not gain a thing. Let me also say that he is my biggest ally and supporter on my wellness journey. He tossed the scale and told me “there is more to you and your gorgeous body than that scale.”

Anyway, I have found SOME peace but I work at it each and every day. Most of the people who know me, know I work out every day. Some level of lifting weights, cardio and high intensity interval training. I actually LOVE to work out. It’s my “me” time each morning; it kick starts my body and it helps clear my mind for what will come throughout the day.

Most people don’t know that I struggle with food and sugar addiction (well maybe people do know this about me…). It is a daily struggle with my food choices. Food is my biggest weakness and I am constantly trying to make sense of all the information and sometimes noise out there. I log what I eat daily, almost obsessively to make sense of what works for my body and what doesn’t.

I continue to make great friends who inspire me, hear amazing success stories that motivate me but I still challenge myself to take it one day at a time. I am trying to change the A in fat to an I and focus on being fit. I am currently 160 pounds, I have seen a decrease in body fat and an increase in muscle mass. My clothes fit better and I have gone to a size 8/10. I do still have a long way to go but small changes happen every day.

And so I have some cloudy days but I look forward to the days where the sun shines through…

#fitandfabinmy40s #gettingstrongereveryday #thereisalwaysabrightside #fitmom #onedayatatime

Reflection

September has always been a month of reflection for me. September is my birthday month so I review the past year and hope I am a little wiser with age. September is also the start of a new year; Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, which has always been a special time for me both spiritually and emotionally.

Every year I try to find a new connection with Judaism on a personal level with God and on a family level with traditions for Clay and AJ.

Ever since my mom died, Judaism has been hard for me. Everything about my connection with Judaism is tied to my relationship with my mom. We talked everyday but part of those conversations was planning for an upcoming holiday. Plans about where we would be, what foods would be around the table, who would be joining us and what I was wearing to synagogue. The holidays were always a time for family, big meals and just being together.

Now that she is gone, I don’t head to south Florida to be with my immediate family. There really aren’t any big meals and I haven’t really found a synagogue that feels like home.

Clay and I have tried to create our own traditions. One year we had dinner with friends, all the traditional foods – challah, matza ball soup, brisket, apples & honey. It was great and I was grateful we were able to celebrate with friends. Another year, I went to services and tried to feel like I belonged but I sat by myself and although a few people said hello, that connection was just not there.

This year, I didn’t even light candles. I love lighting candles for the holidays and this year I did nothing. It was just another normal Sunday night getting ready for the week ahead.

I still reflect on how to be a better person, give more, take less. Listen more, be a more thoughtful wife, a more patient mom, less critical of others, less critical of myself. I think about the people I have hurt in the past year and find ways to reach out and ask for forgiveness. I make goals for myself to learn something new, be a better role model for AJ, connect more with my brothers and call my dad more.

I did take Yom Kippur off (the day of Atonement) which is next week and I will spend the morning in services, asking God for forgiveness. I will find forgiveness in my heart for others. I will spend the day in my own thoughts. I will cry at various points in the day. I will think of my mom and ways to make her proud. I will think of my grandparents who have instilled Judaism in my heart. I will think of Jordyn Rose and the little girl she might have been. I will light a candle in memory of those who are in my heart always.

Thoughts and prayers for a happy and healthy new year!

A Little Insight Into Me

Hi! My name is Wendi. I am a wife of almost 18 years to my best friend, Clay. I am a mom to Jordyn Rose, my angel who I carried for 26 weeks and had to deliver knowing she was already gone, Yankee, the almost 15 year old Vizsla we just said goodbye to after 14 1/2 years, Yogi, our 8 year old Vizsla who is suffering from liver malfunction and AJ, our 6 1/2 year old boy who we thought at one point would never be. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and loyal friend to many. I am patient, compassionate, empathetic and friendly.

I am a hard working entrepreneur. I have been a Human Resources professional for almost 20 years in a variety of ways always striving to be a great business thought partner to highly paid decisions makers of various companies. I am a gym owner and do everything I can to support my husband’s gym from cleaning to instructing classes and being a partner to help him work through various staff and member issues. I recently became a direct seller for a great company that has empowered me to focus more on me. I sit on a board in our local Jewish community to try and give back.

It’s very difficult for me to say no when others ask for my time, money or assistance with something. I want to help others feel good about themselves. I want to set an example of giving and sharing to AJ. I want to find balance for all of the above.